Somebody just forwarded this mail...
10 Ways of Marrying The Wrong Personby Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after
you're married. The classic mistake: Never marry potential. The golden rule
is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't
get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can
expect people to change after they're married... for the worst!" So when it
comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene,
communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these
as they are now.
2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on
character. Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning.
Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in
lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's
character? Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more
important than personal comfort? Do I want to be more like this person?
Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does
s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer
work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's
going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he
emotionally stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do
I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out
like him or her?
3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman
needs most. Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than
not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the
onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy
them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the
most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her
consistent, quality attention. This is most apparent in Judaism's approach
to sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs
of his wife. Sexual intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are
goal-oriented, especially when it comes to this area. As a wise
woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are
experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more
experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When
the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure,
amazing things happen.
4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals
and priorities. There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
-chemistry and compatibility
-share common interests
-share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals
provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow
apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for,"
while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same
conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate
is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the same understanding of
life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.
5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too
quickly. Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big
problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important
issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is
not inclined to make good decisions. Of all the studies done on divorce,
sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main factor. It is not necessary
to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a couple is sexually
compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and
emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about sexualcompatibility.
Of all the studies done on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never citedas
a main reason why people divorce.
6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional
connection with this person. To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional
connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?" This does not
mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do
not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by
qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc. Also ask: "Do I trust
this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I
can rely on him/her?
7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't
feel emotionally safe. Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm,
peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully express myself with this
person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a
really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person
you marry makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in any
way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are
afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express
your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.
Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. Another
aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to
control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of
an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to
change you. There's a big difference between "controlling" and "making
suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is
made for their benefit.
8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for
discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way. To evaluate
how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the
course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know
now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find
compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person
know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you
can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be
intimate. The two go hand in hand.
9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from
personal problems and unhappiness. If you are unhappy and single,you'll
probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal,
psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate
them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility
to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future
spouse will thank you.
10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle. To
be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or
something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who
hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of
triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as
work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and
your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot
be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number
one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.
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